I try to write these blogs with every attempt not to sound like some whiny ass munch that wants nothing but pity and attention. Then I realize well it's MY blog and if you don't want to know how I'm feeling or whatever then don't read them.
I've been beating myself up for this huge diet failure. I'd go to the gym for an hour or so "lifting" weights and doing some sort of cardio type workout. Even if I'm in the gym by myself I feel very self conscious every time I catch a glance of myself in the mirror. A lot of people have tried to "help" me with this "bizarre" problem by saying that it's all in my head. Well yea of course it is. I need these feelings to LEAVE my head. I need my brain to semi-shut down. I need to stop over-thinking things and trying to be something or someone I'm not. I will never be the super model type. I'm not 5'9, 110 lbs, or exotic looking.
I hate telling people that I've been having anxiety/panic attacks because I feel like when you tell someone something like that then they label you a nut. Sure I love almonds, peanut butter, and Nutella but I can assure you I am not a nut. I don't know why I get them, I just do. I could be on my way to work and I can feel like legs start to go numb and then I have to "talk" my way out of it before I crash my car. Somehow I always make it through, but I'm afraid I'll be somewhere or with someone and I won't be able to.
Two people have been blowing sunshine up my ass over the past 2 days and I'm kind of curious as to why. Could be that they are my biggest fans (hahaha right) or they're high on some kind of psychedelics. *Shrugs*
I think I need to leave NJ. Not forever just maybe a lengthy vacation. If I had the money I'd go to Europe, drive on the opposite side of the street, and just explore. I could save up for that or maybe for a condo in Malibu. But we'll see.
So to up the corny factor here I'd just like to say that: John fuckin Taylor finally fuckin answered my fuckin fabulous fuckin question. And I thank him! hehehehe. *smacks* I mean he did previously answer my "fedora question" back in 2002, but shit that was 9 years ago! Hehehehe.
I took a nap for an hour and managed to have 2 nightmares. Actual nightmares, not those dreams where you're naked in front of your math class or some crap. I'd really like this shit to stop and I have no idea how to. I ask people for help and they end up asking me even more questions that I don't know the answers to. Or I get the typical "take a Xanax!" Umm..no. I'd rather take something that would "pep" me up instead of putting me into a benzo-stupor.
So yes, if you have been talking to me lately and that certain "Lauren sparkage" isn't there, well here are SOME of the reasons.
It's just incredibly frustrating to try to move forward and do something when there's something always holding you back.
If I ever say that I want to jump out the window don't be surprised if I actually do find myself out of a window. I probably wouldn't jump I'd just scoot out the window.
