Crush #1:
Corey Feldman: ok, where does one even begin with this one? I don't like CF now-a-days, I usually like the heroin/coke addicts before they find Jesus. Perhaps I like him cuz he was known as "Mouth" in the Goonies (which ROCKS ASSSSS by the way...) but he has a nifty voice. Remember him in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Sure ya do. Biggest downfall? Hanging out with Corey Haim (RIP). Feldman had pretty good hair (until he started the whole MJ juicy mullet thing. blech), nice eyes/eyebrows (I'm a sucker for good, strong, framing eyebrows...no uni's), and he really wasn't a fat/skinny fuck. No I wouldn't go to bed with him, barf, but back in the day that was not what I was into. I was young and dumb! Moving on!
Crush #2:
John Stamos: ooh wowie...excuse me a second. *wipes sweat off brow* my neighbor/best friend growing up and I were IN LOVE with John Stamos a.k.a. Uncle Jesse from Full House. Yea that corny ass 80's/90's show with the annoying blonde haired daughters that you just wanted to punch. My friend and I named all of our dolls "Jesse." We looked forward to the re-runs and were sad when Full House was taken off during the summer months. (Why oh friggin why?) Full House was good up until a point. I guess it was around 1992. Michelle started talking and I seriously wanted to vomit in her (their) millionaire face(s).
John seriously, I will buy Dannon's Greek Yogurt if you come over and spoon feed it to me...or just smear it all over your chest. Either one will do. THANKS!
Crush #3:
Ralph Macchio: Picture if you will a couple of giddy girls watching the beginning of Karate Kid 2, seeing Daniel LaRusso in his powder blue tux and yellow car, laughing like a bunch of asses and turning the tape off. That was how we got our jollies. Just face it: Ralphie is some sort of....god? Maybe god isn't the appropriate word here but it just seems to fit. Ralph looks the same as he did about fifteen/twenty years ago. Maybe his hair changed a bit (and no it's not a rug!) but that seems to be it. He seems like he'd be the typical L.I. guido smart ass but judging by what people say about him I am proven wrong. His movie roles usually gear towards the typical whiny, Italian, wise-cracking, pompous asshole but that is something I love. If you were from NJ you'd understand my theory.
I still cry at the end of The Outsiders (oh shut up, you know you do too), and I find it pretty nifty that he was almost dead-on accurate when playing guitar in Crossroads (although he really didn't play...hmmm) Sure I wanted to sweep his leg in the first Karate Kid (who didn't?) but after a while Daniel-san started to grow on me. Not literally. He is not a fungus. Let's not forget Dancing With the Stars when he came out shaking his ass with butt pads on. Holy Christ I almost had a heart attack and died. The man has nice buns.
My sister had a crush on him as well so I guess it runs in the family. Tee hee hee. My sister kinda resembles him too if she were to cut her hair and wear a denim jacket. Ha. <333
Crush #4
Charlie Sheen: oh Charlie Charlie Charlie...what a mess you've made. Loved Sheen in Cadence, No Man's Land (starring another one of my crushes), Ferris Bueller, Platoon, the Rookie, and Hot Shots. But the movie that made him win my young feeble heart? Men At Work. Yessssss the movie where they (Emilio and Charlie) find a dead politician in the garbage. LOVE! Hahaha. What is it about Sheen? Definitely the eyebrows. The strong, dark, defining eyebrows. They weren't overly bushy or "freshly tweezed" girl eyebrows. Strong and manly brows. Rawwwwwr. Ok stop that. These days Charlie ain't looking so hot with a hooker on each arm and an indiscernible amount of gold teeth in his alcohol soaked mouth. But what can ya do?
Crush #5:
William Zabka: not a day goes by where I don't feel the urge to scream "Screw you Mellon!" out my car window. Ah yes, Billy Z. Johnny Lawrence. Sweep the leg, Johnny. Yes you remember him. Greg Tolan pussy toss for distance! "He's a tulip!" Why would I like such a jerky character? I dunno. Maybe it goes back to when my sister was "not dating" this guy named Todd. He was a jerk. He'd come over on his crappy boat taunting me and my brother. Now he's a fat lawyer in Lauderdale with 4 kids. Wah waaaaaaaaaaaah. Anyway, I am just prone to jerky guys. But of course in reality Billy is NOT a jerk. Ugh. Why are guys nice? Anywho, I find this a slightly unusual physical crush because I usually go for dark haired guys. Totally non-Aryan looking types. Hmm was that wrong? I don't mean Billy is a Nazi or anything...oh well you get what I mean. Hopefully. My Billy Fanta-Z? Sitting next to him in first class on a plane going to Tahiti..and.....well we won't go there...use your own sick imagination. Harrrrrr!
Crush #6
John Taylor: "who's that guy with the orange hair? oh yea, I wanna *$@##(*$)% him and also *%&)) his *$&%*(&$#(*%. Ok enough. But that was my initial reaction when I first saw a picture of JT. I was familiar with Rio a.k.a the boat video and Hungry Like the Wolf a.k.a. the table flipping video. He was the reason I started playing bass. I had fantasies of playing on stage with him. Then hopping into my hot tub at my Malibu beach house. Riiiiight. Unfortunately he has taken a few wrong turns in his life, and I'm not even talking about the drugs and alcoholism, I'm taking about HER. She shall remain nameless. She is vomitus. John supposedly likes Nutella. And according to me he likes menthol shampoo. So there. I wouldn't want to marry him but a 15 night stand I wouldn't mind. HAAAAAAA!
Crush #7
D.B. Sweeney: never heard of him? *smacks your head* Go watch No Man's Land. Porsches, Charlie Sheen, and DB's stomach. HOT. GO. WATCH. NOOOOOOW!
oh yea he was in the Cutting Edge too...don't watch that.
Crush #8
James Spader: another one that plays jerky characters but really is a nice guy in person. You remember him as Stef (why did he have a girl's name and his girlfriend had a boy's name?) in Pretty In Pink. Total yuppie. Blech. Please wear socks with shoes. But in all seriousness did you ever see the movie Crash? Weird but...holy shit. Don't watch before bed! Tee hee hee.
Well now you've witnessed/discovered my sick sad fantasy world I live in. I'm pretty tame and mellow these days. Back then my idea of a good time would've been getting high with John Taylor in one of his fancy schmancy hotel rooms with SLB passed out in the tub. These days my idea of a good time would be sharing an Evian while watching deer drinking from a stream. Oh man.
Somebody KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ta ta!
xxxxxLCxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
