Hmm

In case you haven't noticed from my dubious Twitter ramblings I've been feeling pretty crappy this week. Period woes? Yea, but this time I felt even shittier. It's a mixture of things, I believe, but I only know some of the "ingredients." I think to myself "how can anyone hate themselves so much the way that I hate myself?" Most of the time I don't think I'm that bad of a person but some days I question it.

When I was younger I never thought I'd be this way. I always dreamed of getting married and having kids, blah blah blah. People tell me all of the time, "never get married" or "wait until you're X years old to have kids." Ok. That's fine. I don't mind that. What I do mind is people telling me I have to have a man or that I need somebody. Yea I get that but why? Why do I need anybody? I don't. I never felt lonelier than when I was with somebody. But then I think well maybe I would be happier if I was married or whatnot. I just feel confused sometimes and I wish I could just be blase and not give a fuck but we all know that isn't possible sometimes.


Even if you only knew me for a week you'd know that I have some major body image issues. Derrrr. I feel myself "fishing" for compliments and I really don't mean to. I just need reassurance that I don't smell like ass, that I don't look like a disgusting mess, etc. I don't want pity/sympathy/wah wah wah shit...just reassurance.

I see the number on the scale. Some days it changes. Other days it doesn't. Annoying. It seems that no matter what I do I can't drop the weight I want to. I look in the mirror and feel disgusted. How and why did I let myself get this way? It's like looking in a fun house mirror that makes everything look vertically impaired. What am I supposed to do? Develop a coke habit? Too poor for that. Stop eating? Well that's always good for your heart. I just don't understand. I haven't been eating a lot of junk food lately. 8 glasses of water a day, blah blah blah. No changes. I wasn't expecting miracles after day one but seriously. Whatever.


I had some bad habits. It's been over a year since I've done "it." Just to clarify: "it" wasn't drugs/alcohol or sleeping around but it was an addiction. These past few days really made me want to go back but something made me not do it. I'm glad that annoying little voice is in my head even though half the time it's saying "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care..."


Meh. I guess that's it for now.

-L-