I try to write these blogs with every attempt not to sound like some whiny ass munch that wants nothing but pity and attention. Then I realize well it's MY blog and if you don't want to know how I'm feeling or whatever then don't read them.
I've been beating myself up for this huge diet failure. I'd go to the gym for an hour or so "lifting" weights and doing some sort of cardio type workout. Even if I'm in the gym by myself I feel very self conscious every time I catch a glance of myself in the mirror. A lot of people have tried to "help" me with this "bizarre" problem by saying that it's all in my head. Well yea of course it is. I need these feelings to LEAVE my head. I need my brain to semi-shut down. I need to stop over-thinking things and trying to be something or someone I'm not. I will never be the super model type. I'm not 5'9, 110 lbs, or exotic looking.
I hate telling people that I've been having anxiety/panic attacks because I feel like when you tell someone something like that then they label you a nut. Sure I love almonds, peanut butter, and Nutella but I can assure you I am not a nut. I don't know why I get them, I just do. I could be on my way to work and I can feel like legs start to go numb and then I have to "talk" my way out of it before I crash my car. Somehow I always make it through, but I'm afraid I'll be somewhere or with someone and I won't be able to.
Two people have been blowing sunshine up my ass over the past 2 days and I'm kind of curious as to why. Could be that they are my biggest fans (hahaha right) or they're high on some kind of psychedelics. *Shrugs*
I think I need to leave NJ. Not forever just maybe a lengthy vacation. If I had the money I'd go to Europe, drive on the opposite side of the street, and just explore. I could save up for that or maybe for a condo in Malibu. But we'll see.
So to up the corny factor here I'd just like to say that: John fuckin Taylor finally fuckin answered my fuckin fabulous fuckin question. And I thank him! hehehehe. *smacks* I mean he did previously answer my "fedora question" back in 2002, but shit that was 9 years ago! Hehehehe.
I took a nap for an hour and managed to have 2 nightmares. Actual nightmares, not those dreams where you're naked in front of your math class or some crap. I'd really like this shit to stop and I have no idea how to. I ask people for help and they end up asking me even more questions that I don't know the answers to. Or I get the typical "take a Xanax!" Umm..no. I'd rather take something that would "pep" me up instead of putting me into a benzo-stupor.
So yes, if you have been talking to me lately and that certain "Lauren sparkage" isn't there, well here are SOME of the reasons.
It's just incredibly frustrating to try to move forward and do something when there's something always holding you back.
If I ever say that I want to jump out the window don't be surprised if I actually do find myself out of a window. I probably wouldn't jump I'd just scoot out the window.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Wimpy, Wompy, Wambly
I remember repeating that every 2 minutes to my mother while we were walking around Disney World back in May. I love Disney World especially Epcot. It reminds me of when I was younger and everyone thought we'd be flying in the year 2000. Some of the things at Disney still seem outdated i.e. the Polynesian. Funky 70's/80's musk smell and 70's decor but I still love it! If I wasn't saving for a damn DD tour I'd be there already! I'm so corn-ay! So needless to say my mother wanted to slap the crap outta me everytime I'd open my mouth. She's so nice! Oh man..I shouldn't have written this..cuz now I'll be on the Disney website booking a vacation for myself.
I like doing things by myself. Everyone (ok not everyone but still) always says, "oh well you should go on vacation with people blah blah blah." It's not that I don't like people..I don't like people dragging me down. I'm a loner..a rebel. So don't take it personally if I want to be by myself..consider yourself lucky!
Umm..I try to avoid drama. Lately some "people" have been trying my patience. I'm not going to say I was completely innocent and didn't embellish a few things but seriously...FUCK OFF. If you're a jealous bitch then we don't need to be friends. I'm too old (and so are you). This ain't high school.
Anyway I'm trying to plan an AC weekend. Apparently Bally's Wild Wild West has a mechanical bull. Who wouldn't want to see me get thrown across the room? I know I would! I was looking at the room rates. Good Lord. The House of Blues deluxe room has a TV in the shower? Riiiight. Well I'm trying to try everything at least once just to say I did it.
Serious notes:
According to the pulmonary dude my dad is okay.
I'm trying to help my mom with her DM. Cake is not the answer!
I keep dreaming about my dog, Meggie. We had to put her down last December and that was seriously the hardest decision. I know this sounds stupid or whatnot and some would say "it's just a dog!" but she was a part of our family for 13 years. Towards the end she'd have seizures, wouldn't want to go outside, wouldn't want to play, and just slept a lot. Vet said she had a brain tumor and the best thing to do would be to put her down. A part of you feels selfish for wanting to keep her around but then you feel like crap because you know she's not well. Then you feel like crap for putting her to sleep. It's just hard. I remember not sleeping at all that night. It was raining and windy. Trees blowing into the side of the house. My mother was sobbing. Saying she felt bad for me having to be a part of that decision. I went to work the next day because I just COULD NOT be in the house any longer. Red faced and puffy eyed I went.
The reason I think I keep dreaming about her is because she's not really gone. I'm not trying to be all New Age and shit but that's how I feel. So there. That's what I dream about. Aside from me and John Taylor in a hot tub and his turtley wife coming over and seeing us and our hands under the water. HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh me oh my!
Ugh....ummmmmmm...uhhhhhhh...back to me laundry!
I like doing things by myself. Everyone (ok not everyone but still) always says, "oh well you should go on vacation with people blah blah blah." It's not that I don't like people..I don't like people dragging me down. I'm a loner..a rebel. So don't take it personally if I want to be by myself..consider yourself lucky!
Umm..I try to avoid drama. Lately some "people" have been trying my patience. I'm not going to say I was completely innocent and didn't embellish a few things but seriously...FUCK OFF. If you're a jealous bitch then we don't need to be friends. I'm too old (and so are you). This ain't high school.
Anyway I'm trying to plan an AC weekend. Apparently Bally's Wild Wild West has a mechanical bull. Who wouldn't want to see me get thrown across the room? I know I would! I was looking at the room rates. Good Lord. The House of Blues deluxe room has a TV in the shower? Riiiight. Well I'm trying to try everything at least once just to say I did it.
Serious notes:
According to the pulmonary dude my dad is okay.
I'm trying to help my mom with her DM. Cake is not the answer!
I keep dreaming about my dog, Meggie. We had to put her down last December and that was seriously the hardest decision. I know this sounds stupid or whatnot and some would say "it's just a dog!" but she was a part of our family for 13 years. Towards the end she'd have seizures, wouldn't want to go outside, wouldn't want to play, and just slept a lot. Vet said she had a brain tumor and the best thing to do would be to put her down. A part of you feels selfish for wanting to keep her around but then you feel like crap because you know she's not well. Then you feel like crap for putting her to sleep. It's just hard. I remember not sleeping at all that night. It was raining and windy. Trees blowing into the side of the house. My mother was sobbing. Saying she felt bad for me having to be a part of that decision. I went to work the next day because I just COULD NOT be in the house any longer. Red faced and puffy eyed I went.
The reason I think I keep dreaming about her is because she's not really gone. I'm not trying to be all New Age and shit but that's how I feel. So there. That's what I dream about. Aside from me and John Taylor in a hot tub and his turtley wife coming over and seeing us and our hands under the water. HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh me oh my!
Ugh....ummmmmmm...uhhhhhhh...back to me laundry!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
It's been a while....
So it's been a few since I've written anything here. Things that have happened: mob hits, shootings in the shit hole town where I work, nothing new though.
I've been trying to record stuff but lately I've been feeling "not in the zone." Or I haven't the right tools. i.e. crappy Fender P-bass that was dead as shit or a 5-string Ibanez with a buzzing B string. Or simply I just did NOT want to chip my nail polish! Oi!
I won a VIP party at Headliners in Neptune last nite. Had waaaaaay too much fun! Well deserved though. So much blackmail against me now. Tee hee hee.
Tasha and Me
Me and mullet man
Tasha, Jack Daniels, Me
Looking back at the pix taken I must say my friends are friggin insane. Oh man...
Till next time, kiddies!
I've been trying to record stuff but lately I've been feeling "not in the zone." Or I haven't the right tools. i.e. crappy Fender P-bass that was dead as shit or a 5-string Ibanez with a buzzing B string. Or simply I just did NOT want to chip my nail polish! Oi!
I won a VIP party at Headliners in Neptune last nite. Had waaaaaay too much fun! Well deserved though. So much blackmail against me now. Tee hee hee.
Looking back at the pix taken I must say my friends are friggin insane. Oh man...
Till next time, kiddies!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Mondays Blow Chunks!
But I love my new hat
Yes that's right children. A doggy hat.
I'm also sporting my new lipgloss, Nars "Orgasm" and blush, Nars "Deep Throat."
I made my co-worker blush today. She wouldn't read the name of my lip gloss out loud. Hehehehehehehe.
E-eeeevil Wom-an!
Yes that's right children. A doggy hat.
I'm also sporting my new lipgloss, Nars "Orgasm" and blush, Nars "Deep Throat."
I made my co-worker blush today. She wouldn't read the name of my lip gloss out loud. Hehehehehehehe.
E-eeeevil Wom-an!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Chew your life supply a.k.a. Do the dance, do the demolition
Ugh. Fail. New Year's resolution of "not spending my money on crap" has been officially revoked or suspended or some damn thing.
Case and point:
This is me right now:
On a more sour note I'm feeling a bit..I dunno..anxious. Can't explain it. Trying to get my mind off of it but slowly failing. Like a mix of OCD, anxiety, depression all rolled into one. I hate it. Anyhoooooooo.
Maybe I'll edit this later....
Peace.
Case and point:
This is me right now:
On a more sour note I'm feeling a bit..I dunno..anxious. Can't explain it. Trying to get my mind off of it but slowly failing. Like a mix of OCD, anxiety, depression all rolled into one. I hate it. Anyhoooooooo.
Maybe I'll edit this later....
Peace.
January Second Two Thousand and Eleven
Good morning, or as they say in my neck of the woods, "pffttttttt." Anyway, I decided that a lot of people DO NOT know the real me seeing as I hide or conceal or forget to mention things to people. So I will compile some facts, boring and extremely boring, for you peoples to enjoy. Tada!
1) I am a natural redhead. So to that lady who asked me if my hair color was natural and when I replied "yes" and you said "no it's not." Well it is. Ask my parents.
2) I was born and raised in NJ. My hair is flat. I do not have long nails (I'm not saying I never did sport the Japanese hooker/Frito nails), I do not go tanning (I'm Irish damn it!), I hate the beach (esp Seaside), I do not drive a Trans Am or Iroc Z, I do not wear high heels not even on special occasions. I don't go clubbing nor do I fist pump.
3) I am the youngest of 3 children.
4) I have a 16 year old niece, a 13 year old nephew and another niece on the way!
5) I played piano/keyboards for over 21 years. Clarinet for about 8, and bass for 8 years.
6) I overdosed on shrimp cocktail once. Not pretty.
7) I went to modeling school. I was in a movie. The movie turned out to be some softcore porno flick. Mortified? Nah.
8) I'd still like to model. Maybe for dog food, animal crackers, etc
9) How did I fall in "love" with Duran Duran? Six words: John Taylor In Planet Earth Video.
10) I have a severe addiction to worrying about what other people think or might say. My new philosophy for the new year: "ahhh fuck it!"
11) I have a very dry sense-of-humor. Dead pan. Sarcastic. Off beat. Off kilter. Dark sometimes. Interesting.
12) I love to write. Showing people what I write on the other hand...meh. A lot of the stuff I write is bizarre.
13) Ultimate dream: to be on stage at some festival type of show opening up for..yep you guessed it...fuckin Duran Duran. Then some other things happen backstage that I will not post here. Tee hee. Where's the Nutella?
14) Fave color: clear
15) Fave food: peanut butter, cheese, olives, nutella, artichoke hearts
16) Proudest moment: hmm...don't think I've had one yet.
17) How old are you? Age is just a number. Relative maybe. Doesn't really help describe who we are. I could be 400 years old and still act like a 12 year old.
18) What size shoe are you: 9 1/2
19) Fave shows: King of Queens, I Love Lucy, Golden Girls, Forensic Files, old school (from 1988) Unsolved Mysteries episodes. Gotta love that fabulous acting!
20) Fave songs growing up: "Africa" by Toto; "All I Need is a Miracle" by Mike and the Mechanics; "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club.
21) Favorite designer: uhhhh does it really look like I care? I wear scrubs most of the time. Or pajamas.
22) Favorite perfume: Bijan Black, Bijan VIP, Lanvin Oxygene, Delicious Chocolat, Tinkerbell (shut up it smells fab), D&G Light Blue, Pink Sugar
23) If you were to do a strip tease to any song what song would it be: hmmm Pantera's "Walk"
24) Car I drive: Porsche 911. Yea right....
25) Are you clinically nuts? Why yes..yes I am!
Well I hope that helped clear up some of the mystery de la Lauren. If not, well...to know me is to meet me. :o)
1) I am a natural redhead. So to that lady who asked me if my hair color was natural and when I replied "yes" and you said "no it's not." Well it is. Ask my parents.
2) I was born and raised in NJ. My hair is flat. I do not have long nails (I'm not saying I never did sport the Japanese hooker/Frito nails), I do not go tanning (I'm Irish damn it!), I hate the beach (esp Seaside), I do not drive a Trans Am or Iroc Z, I do not wear high heels not even on special occasions. I don't go clubbing nor do I fist pump.
3) I am the youngest of 3 children.
4) I have a 16 year old niece, a 13 year old nephew and another niece on the way!
5) I played piano/keyboards for over 21 years. Clarinet for about 8, and bass for 8 years.
6) I overdosed on shrimp cocktail once. Not pretty.
7) I went to modeling school. I was in a movie. The movie turned out to be some softcore porno flick. Mortified? Nah.
8) I'd still like to model. Maybe for dog food, animal crackers, etc
9) How did I fall in "love" with Duran Duran? Six words: John Taylor In Planet Earth Video.
10) I have a severe addiction to worrying about what other people think or might say. My new philosophy for the new year: "ahhh fuck it!"
11) I have a very dry sense-of-humor. Dead pan. Sarcastic. Off beat. Off kilter. Dark sometimes. Interesting.
12) I love to write. Showing people what I write on the other hand...meh. A lot of the stuff I write is bizarre.
13) Ultimate dream: to be on stage at some festival type of show opening up for..yep you guessed it...fuckin Duran Duran. Then some other things happen backstage that I will not post here. Tee hee. Where's the Nutella?
14) Fave color: clear
15) Fave food: peanut butter, cheese, olives, nutella, artichoke hearts
16) Proudest moment: hmm...don't think I've had one yet.
17) How old are you? Age is just a number. Relative maybe. Doesn't really help describe who we are. I could be 400 years old and still act like a 12 year old.
18) What size shoe are you: 9 1/2
19) Fave shows: King of Queens, I Love Lucy, Golden Girls, Forensic Files, old school (from 1988) Unsolved Mysteries episodes. Gotta love that fabulous acting!
20) Fave songs growing up: "Africa" by Toto; "All I Need is a Miracle" by Mike and the Mechanics; "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club.
21) Favorite designer: uhhhh does it really look like I care? I wear scrubs most of the time. Or pajamas.
22) Favorite perfume: Bijan Black, Bijan VIP, Lanvin Oxygene, Delicious Chocolat, Tinkerbell (shut up it smells fab), D&G Light Blue, Pink Sugar
23) If you were to do a strip tease to any song what song would it be: hmmm Pantera's "Walk"
24) Car I drive: Porsche 911. Yea right....
25) Are you clinically nuts? Why yes..yes I am!
Well I hope that helped clear up some of the mystery de la Lauren. If not, well...to know me is to meet me. :o)
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